I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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