he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
