I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
