And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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