When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
