We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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