the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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