May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
