i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
