so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
