im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
