Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
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