well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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