I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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