Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
