I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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