I'm sorry my penis didn't work
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
