Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
