You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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