I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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