I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
