Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
