Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
