How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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