the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Let's get the cat blown out
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
