maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I understand Curling. That high.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
