If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
