her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
