I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
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