I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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