Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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