i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
