I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
