i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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