There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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