his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
