don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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