all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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