We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
