i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
