My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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