new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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