I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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