Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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