Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
