I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Randomize
