Who did Billy Mays play for?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I deserve to be covered in dicks
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
