that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
