Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
you win again, gameday.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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