i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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